Parents and Professionals:
Frequently Asked Questions and Information

Reality Based Education for Parents

Time and Time again young people have told me they were unable to talk with adults at home about sex. While I agree sexuality is indeed a difficult topic, I believe that our failure to talk about it with our children in the age of HIV/AIDS can be deadly. The following information is for parents in the hope that they will provide an open, teachable environment where their children will be comfortable reaching out for help at any level of their development.

• Healthy sexuality is best taught by parental example.
  Know your values and live them. Emerson said: "What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say." Children do indeed learn what they live. As adults, we must first look to our own morals and example before we criticize our teens.
• Questions do not always mean experience.
  Don't over react. Growing up in this era can be confusing, especially when it comes to sexuality. Children need to know that they can approach a parent without being punished for having thought of the question.
• Answer questions when they are asked, with as short an answer as possible.
  Even young children may have concerns about things they hear in the media. Putting off the answer to a question or ignoring it gives a powerful message that says: "I can't talk with mom or dad about this." Instead, give short answers that are appropriate for your child's development. Less is more. It is possible that you may be able to ascertain the child's need by asking: "What do you think of that?" or "What have you heard that is?" instead of jumping in with an adult answer. Take off your adult glasses with little ones and see things through their perception. And, remember that small children can only understand what fits into their frame of reference. The best illustration I have of this concept is a story I heard from a colleague. My friend's second baby was due soon, and here six year old had already run through the usual questions - for example, Q: "Where is that baby?" A: "In a special place in mom's body called the womb or uterus." Now however, he wanted to know the BIG question - "How did that baby get in there?" The parents wanted to avoid myths regarding conception and decided upon a straight answer. While that was the right choice, my friend laughingly admits that she overdid the instruction. Many minutes later, after viewing charts and posters, her son nodded, and left the room. He entered the kitchen where his father sat at the table and announced: "Dad, mom just told me how the baby got in there. But, I know she's covering up. I know she ate it!"
• As children reach pre-adolescence, avoid a "one talk" experience.
  Instead, aim for an environment where education in this vital subject is on-going. Seek out teachable moments: in the car while listening to the radio or a CD, after a TV show, or even when the news introduces subjects your child may not understand. Be gentle and caring. Pay attention to the tone behind your words - your attitude shines through. Don't assume by your son or daughter's silence that they know nothing. Sex Ed 101 is often the school bus ride!
• If you are uncomfortable talking about this subject, tell your children that.
  Kids do better with honesty than with silence. Try saying something like: "It's hard for me to talk about this, and I feel weird, but I love you so much that I want to be here for you with everything you need." Silence may imply condemnation, and your child may be afraid to approach you.
• Offer your children a spiritual base.
  No matter what faith you espouse, abstinence is a clearer and easier choice if it is accompanied by sincere moral and spiritual teachings.
• As your children grow, know where they are, with whom they "hang out," and what they are doing.
  When I was young, it was rare for a young child to be exposed to graphic images. Now these images are as close as a cable TV movie, the World Wide Web, or a pirated video tape. Monitor your child's TV watching, especially if the TV is in his or her room. Sit down and share a controversial show together if you feel your child can handle the content. Although I prefer an open discussion of sexuality, that may not always be possible in all families. Devices that protect a child cruising the internet are available at most computer stores. And, be cautious with video tapes. I've seen hard core pornography masqueraded in a G rated wrapper and passed among students in school. If your child has a VCR in his or her bedroom, and brings home a blank tape or one in a Disney or Barney wrapper, be suspicious (not accusing!). Be aware of sleepovers as potential danger zones. I know and open, caring family that was stunned when their seventh grader informed them of the hard core tape he'd viewed at a friends' sleepover after the parents were asleep. One of the other sleepover guests had brought the tape with him in his backpack. Even though this child was comfortable talking with his parents, it took him several months to reveal what had happened at the "party."
• Be there for your children at the realistic knowledge level they've attained, not at the knowledge level you wish they were at.
  Although it's difficult, as parents we need to realize that our children are growing up fast. We simply can not use the exposure we had when we were children as a frame of reference for kids today. Childhood is often shortened. A case in point is the lovely party I observed at a hair salon not long ago. Several young girls were having make up applied, choosing hair styles, and enjoying manicures. The fact that haunted me in this scenario was the age of the girls - the "birthday girl" was turning 8! It is not uncommon for even third and fourth graders to have questions that children in the past may never have thought of. We need to face reality with our kids, as painful as it may be. I've been with twelve year old girls as they gave birth to babies, and have seen twelve year olds of both genders with sexually transmitted diseases.
• Try not to "draw a line" between you and your child over something insignificant.
  I've known parents who "locked horns" with a strong willed child over something like a brand of jeans or music. Although parents certainly have rights, if the choice a child makes isn't morally objectionable, we need to respect that choice. Save your "line drawing" for the big stuff. Remember also that home is the place where we all "let our hair down." A strong willed pre-teen may be testing his or her ability to challenge life when they seem defiant.
• Be careful with the message that alcohol consumption at home gives.
  Drug and alcohol abuse are closely connected with early sexual experimentation. It's not unlike smoke and fire - where you see one with teens, you see the other.
• Our children are our children even when they make mistakes or choose paths we may not have chosen.
  It is imperative that we have empathy for our children's individuality. None among us are free from error. As tough as it may be to convey this ultimate act of love to our kids, we must let them know that we have the potential to forgive them their mistakes. In the same vein, it is important that we forgive ourselves when we fall short of our parenting expectations.
  
• Try to give your son or daughter this message:
  "There's nothing you should ever be afraid to talk with me about. I promise to try to remain calm no matter what you say. You mean more to me than anything else, and I'll be there for you no matter how tough, gross, or weird the subject you're confused about is."
• Remember the there are a lot of kids out there who aren't experimenting.
  Don't be afraid of adolescence. Instead, enjoy your child as he or she reaches for adulthood and treasure the time you have together

Copyright 1995, Mary Jo Podgurski, RNC, MA, FACCE
No portion may be reproduced without permission
Academy for Adolescent Health, Inc.
1 (888) 301-2311